Savvy and Supportive: Twelve Tips for Partners
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If you are not the parent that will be going through pregnancy, giving birth, managing all that comes with postpartum recovery, or breastfeeding or body feeding your baby, there is still so much you can do. You can be both savvy and supportive in so many ways that will be immeasurably beneficial to your partner, your child(ren), and your relationship. Read on for twelve tips.
1. Learn About Birth
If you plan on supporting your partner during birth, it’s crucial that you understand the process. Birth can be scary if you don’t understand what’s happening, so learning what to expect will be beneficial for you. It will also make you a far better support person.
Attending a childbirth education class with your partner is a great way to learn a lot about birth. You can also read about it in a book. Here’s one popular option:
📚 The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin
2. Ensure You Are Intimately Familiar With Your Partner’s Birth Plan
Whether or not your partner opts to create a written birth plan, it’s important to be intimately familiar with the decisions they have made in advance about their birth. Make sure you’re having conversations about birth. What is your partner’s ideal birth experience? How do they want to be supported by you? What are the specific decisions they have made?
3. Advocate For Your Partner
When you are familiar with the plan, you can advocate for your partner during birth. They will be in an incredibly vulnerable state. Protect your partner and the birth environment. Ask questions. Remind other members of the birth team of any specific decisions your partner has made, as necessary.
Remember, you know her best.
4. Respect Your Partner’s Right to Bodily Autonomy
Decisions that need to be made about and during birth are ultimately your partner’s to make. It is your partner’s mind and body that will be going through this challenging process. It’s also you partner’s right to change their mind during birth about things like pain management, preferred methods of support, and specific medical interventions.
5. Honor Your Partner’s Need to Recover Postpartum
Your partner will need time and support to recover from the birth process. Do everything in your power to take on as much of the household load as you can in those early weeks. You can ask friends or family for support, if necessary. Or hire certain tasks out, if you are able. This type of support during the postpartum period is so beneficial and necessary for your partner’s well-being.
6. Recognize the Developmental Shift That is Going to Happen
Becoming a parent is a major life shift. For you and your partner. It can feel especially turbulent for the parent that goes through the birth and postpartum process and for the parent who experiences significant change or impact on their daily life.
This shift is called matrescence or patrescence. You can read more about it in my blog post on this:
🔗 Matrescence: A Turbulent Transformation
7. Commit to Ensuring an Equitable Division of Household Labor
According to this article from the 19th:
In the past 50 years, the share of women who earn as much or more than their husbands has tripled. But here’s what hasn’t changed: Even as wives in heterosexual relationships have started outearning their spouses, they are still doing more of the care and the housework while their husbands have more leisure time…
Many mothers in heterosexual relationships are exhausted. They are feeling overwhelmed and overloaded. Committing to ensuring an equitable division of household labor is, in my opinion, one of the most important ways you can support your partner.
Start having conversations now about what this will look like in your home. This book can give you guidance on how to do this:
8. Work Together to Establish and Enforce Boundaries
Make sure you’re having conversations together to establish boundaries and present a united front in enforcing them. This can look like:
Who is allowed in the birth space
If you’re birthing at a hospital, who will be permitted to visit
Who will be permitted to visit during the early postpartum period, as well as expectations for support
Not permitting family members to visit when sick
Not permitting family members to kiss your baby
What family members can post on social media about your child
These examples are geared toward birth and early postpartum. Your boundaries will need to evolve with your family.
Here are some important factors when it comes to setting boundaries:
Make sure you clearly communicate your expectations to others.
Understand you can’t control what other people ultimately decide to do.
Focus on what your response will be if your boundary is violated.
9. Learn How to Parent Together
When I had my first baby, I had no idea what I was doing. I didn’t have much experience with babies at all growing up. This is the case for many new parents. It’s ok if you also don’t have any experience. Make sure you’re learning parenting skills together. Have conversations about how it’s going and about parenting styles. Learn by doing. Learn from each other.
When only one of you is learning the majority of these important skills, it can feel overwhelming to become the “default” parent. This often happen for a variety of reasons, like:
Societal expectations on gender roles
One parent having to return to work very quickly
Expectations on parents who don’t have a job outside of caring for the family and managing the home
Only one parent handling baby care at night
10. Be Supportive When it Comes to Infant Feeding
There are a variety of ways to feed your baby. Sometimes the feeding journey goes as planned and sometimes it doesn’t. If your partner opts to breastfeed or chest feed, it’s so important to understand the importance of being supportive. There can be a steep learning curve. There can be a need for problem-solving issues in the early days. It can be incredibly frustrating and even painful (which signals your partner may need professional assistance!). Just make sure to support your partner through this journey. Here are some ideas:
Understand that there is a learning curve for parent and baby early in the feeding journey and challenges are very normal
Help your partner get professional support (from an IBCLC) if there are breastfeeding or chest feeding struggles
Realize that breastfeeding or chest feeding can feel like a full-time job, especially in the early days
Take on other important tasks around the house while your partner is body feeding
Make sure your partner has water available while your baby is nursing and bonus points if you offer a snack!
what can you do while she is feeding
Pumping is a lot, maybe offer to clean the parts
Like I said, there are other ways to feed a baby. You can read more in this blog post:
🔗 Infant Feeding Info and Resources
Some parents choose or need to pump or express milk. Here are a few reasons why:
Returning to work
Managing certain breastfeeding or chest feeding challenges
Prefers this option
Regardless of the reason, pumping can sometimes feel like a lot. Here’s how you can support:
Clean and sterilize the pump parts
Feed your baby the expressed milk
Take on important household tasks while your partner is pumping or expressing milk
If using formula or donor milk, have discussions about sharing the responsibility on feeding your baby, preparing bottles, and cleaning up.
11. Build a Support Network Together
It really does take a village. But, there is no village readily accessible for many of us. Work together to build a support network for your family. Do you have friends and family that can be part of your support system? Are there any local communities of support or groups you could join? Who can each of you talk to when parenting gets challenging?
12. Develop Strategies to Regulate Your Nervous System
Parenting can be both rewarding and incredibly stressful at times. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed and overstimulated at times. Find ways to keep your nervous system regulated. We want to avoid being in a constant state of fight-or-flight. It’s important you each have strategies to help you regulate when your fight-or-flight response has been activated. Here are some examples:
Breathing techniques
Meditation
Taking a walk
Spending time in nature
Getting breaks from caregiving, work, and household tasks
Using earplugs when noise is overstimulating or overwhelming
Putting your baby in a safe place and taking a minute to calm yourself when overwhelmed
Asking for support
Having conversations with each other or someone you trust about parenting and its challenges
Final Thoughts
In many families, many of these responsibilities fall more to one parent. Taking on your fair share of these tasks is an amazing way to support your partner and build a strong foundation for your family.
There are so many things to do when preparing for birth and beyond. I have some ideas for what to do on my To-Do Lists by Trimester spreadsheet, which can be found in my Proactive Pregnancy: Early Essentials for Expectant Parents toolkit. Just make sure to share the load of all of these to-dos with your partner, if you have one. Click the button to check out the spreadsheet and more!