Five Things I Learned From Miscarriage
”Each year, approximately a million pregnancies in the United States end in miscarriage, stillbirth, or the death of the newborn child. National observance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, 1988, offers us the opportunity to increase our understanding of the great tragedy involved in the deaths of unborn and newborn babies. It also enables us to consider how, as individuals and communities, we can meet the needs of bereaved parents and family members and work to prevent causes of these problems.”
Awareness is important. Pregnancy and infant loss is a profoundly emotional and often silent journey for those who experience it. The impact of such a loss can reverberate through the lives of individuals and couples, yet societal norms sometimes shroud this topic in silence and stigma. It's crucial to acknowledge the reality that pregnancy loss is a part of the journey to parenthood for some, and it's far more common than many might realize. By breaking the silence and opening up conversations about loss, we can provide much-needed support, understanding, and healing for those who experience it.
I’ve personally gone through two miscarriages, and I’d like to share what I learned from them.
1. It Wasn’t My Fault
My very first pregnancy ended in loss. I knew loss was always a possibility, but at the time, I thought doing everything I could to have a healthy pregnancy could help to prevent things from going wrong.
But there was nothing at all I could do to prevent this loss.
I went in for my first ultrasound at around twelve weeks of pregnancy. I was absolutely blindsided when the doctor gave me the news. Why was this happening? I had done everything I was supposed to do and avoided everything I wasn’t supposed to do. This miscarriage was possibly a blighted ovum, so I was feeling pregnancy symptoms, like nausea, all along, but there was no baby visible on the ultrasound. It was difficult to process.
While a healthy lifestyle during pregnancy is important, it doesn’t provide you with control over loss. There are so many dos and don’ts when you’re expecting that it can feel like it’s your fault if something goes wrong. But it’s not. Or, on the other hand, maybe it feels like if you can follow all the advice perfectly, you can shield yourself from the possibility of losing a pregnancy. But you can’t. The vast majority of miscarriages are due to factors outside of your control, like chromosomal abnormalities.
My third pregnancy also resulted in miscarriage. I had bleeding early on and had my hCG levels checked. The numbers didn’t increase as expected over time, so I was prepared for another miscarriage. However, an early ultrasound showed a heartbeat, so it seemed like everything would be ok. Several weeks later, I noticed bleeding while I was taking a shower. I called right away to be seen, and my midwife didn’t hear a heartbeat. I still remember lying there hoping I would start hearing something. But she kept searching and there was nothing. An ultrasound confirmed what I already knew.
I ended up having a procedure called a dilation and curettage (D and C) to manage the miscarriage (check out the link later in this post for information about this and two other treatment options). This pregnancy had been a bit of a rollercoaster, but the miscarriage was still tough to process after having that ultrasound showing a heartbeat.
The tissue was sent to a lab after my procedure was done, which showed some (inconclusive) abnormalities. So, again, there was nothing I could have done to cause or prevent this from happening.
2. I Wasn’t Alone
Pregnancy loss is so common. According to the March of Dimes, around 10-20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. And the percentage is even higher if you include everyone who miscarries early on without ever knowing about the pregnancy. Because many people don’t announce they’re expecting until the second trimester, we don’t always hear about it.
Once it happened, I was very open with my miscarriage, and I had SO MANY friends and family members reach out to me about their own losses. It was very comforting during that time to talk with others who had also experienced this.
3. I Didn’t Have to Wait to Announce My Pregnancy
Standard pregnancy advice says to wait until the second trimester to announce your pregnancy, due to the higher possibility of miscarriage early on. Having gone through a couple losses now myself, I disagree that this is the right approach for everyone.
I didn’t tell very many people about my first pregnancy when I found out I was expecting. Once I experienced the loss, it didn’t feel right that almost no one knew that I was even pregnant. It felt like the existence of our baby would be hidden forever. So I decided to talk about it. And, like I said above, it was helpful having so many people reach out to talk.
The key is to be intentional about who you tell. It’s ok if you’d rather keep the news to just yourself and your spouse or partner. It’s also ok to let others know. It can be helpful to think about who you’d want or need support from in the event of a loss. Also, who would you not want to talk to about a loss? Which people would be on your “they can find out my pregnancy later” list? Because…
4. People Will Say a Lot of the Wrong Things
Well-meaning people sometimes say the wrong thing when it comes to loss. Here are a few examples of unhelpful comments:
“At least you can get pregnant.”
“At least you weren’t further along.”
”At least you already have another child.”
(Really anything that starts with “at least” is not going to be helpful.)
”Everything happens for a reason.”
“It wasn’t meant to be.”
”Maybe you should/ should not have…”
”This was just part of God’s plan.”
It would be normal to feel like any of the above comments were more hurtful than helpful.
For anyone reading this that could be in a position to support someone experiencing loss, here are some better options:
“I am so sorry this happened to you.”
“I am here if you’d like to talk about it.”
“How can I help?”
”This wasn’t your fault.”
”Your feelings matter and are valid.”
”I’m thinking of you.”
5. Navigating Time Off Work Can Be Challenging
I found out about my first pregnancy right after accepting a new job. I was a little stressed about when to bring up the pregnancy with my brand-new employer, but I decided to wait until the second trimester.
Unfortunately, right in the middle of several weeks of sim training for a new airplane type rating, I found out about the loss. I ended up telling who I felt I needed to tell, but I didn’t know what to say about when I could return to work.
I honestly had know idea what to do.
I decided to allow the miscarriage to happen naturally (called expectant management), but I didn’t know how long it would take. I didn’t know what it would be like or feel like and if I should continue working until it happened or not.
I waited a couple weeks and nothing happened. I did not like being in limbo. I was uncomfortable being out in public, because I didn’t know what to do if if started happening. It felt like a big unknown.
I decided to try a medication called misoprostol to help facilitate the miscarriage. I had intense cramping, but it didn’t feel like the process was complete. I was given a second dose, and I, again, felt like it wasn’t over. An ultrasound proved I was correct, and it was recommended that I have a D and C.
Here’s a resource that discusses these three options and more:
🔗 What Happens After a Miscarriage? On Ob-Gyn Discusses the Options | ACOG
I feel like I was caught off-guard with this miscarriage happening in the middle of another big life transition. I ended up disclosing more than I really needed to about my medical situation to HR, and I really didn’t know what the policies were about time off for something like this. It ended up ok, but some employers might not be as kind and supportive as mine. Here is a resource for understanding more about navigating all of this:
🔗 Fact Sheet: Miscarriage and Workplace Rights | A Better Balance