Prioritizing Your Well-Being Postpartum
Are you familiar with the phrase, “you can’t pour from an empty cup”? Well, it’s true, even if a bit cliché. You can’t. But many of us frequently find ourselves trying to do so, especially when we become parents. It’s definitely a season of life where many of us struggle to refill. It can be really helpful to think about and prepare for this in advance, in order to avoid like we are constantly running on empty.
The experience of caregiving can feel like a paradox. While it often brings profound fulfillment, it can also feel incredibly draining. IT IS HARD WORK. At the same time, society (and sometimes even partners working in paid roles) tends to devalue and minimize the caregiver role. In fact, many primary caregivers that don’t work outside the home have been gaslit to believe that they don’t really work at all.
Working outside the home for pay and then coming home to start a second shift as caregiver is VALUABLE, HARD WORK. Spending all day in that caregiver role is also VALUABLE, HARD WORK. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!
The immediate postpartum period is also a time where you’ll be physically recovering from birth. This lasts between six and eight weeks, though you likely won’t transition out of the postpartum experience until much later.
In addition to all that goes into caring for a small human or humans, household load increases. From clutter to laundry to meal prep, it can feel like it all increases exponentially.
And then there’s the mental load…
All of these aspects of daily life as a parent I’ve just described, while normal and expected, tend to leave us with that metaphorical empty cup. Even though many of our daily tasks and responsibilities are so draining, they are important. Not doing them at all can lead to our lives feeling more chaotic in a way that is even more draining.
So, it’s important to figure out ways to refill our empty cups. That’s what we’ll get into in the rest of this post.
But, before we do, I want to acknowledge that our capacity to refill can sometimes be affected by other factors that are outside of our control. Certain barriers or obstacles can make it very difficult to focus on ourselves and our needs. Here are a few examples:
Toxic relationships
Racism
Financial hardship
Grief
Chronic medical issues
Mental health issues
We are going to focus on what we can control and doing the best we can.
Prioritizing Self-Care in the Postpartum Period
We are going to talk about the importance of self-care, as well as how to make sure your needs are actually prioritized in the postpartum period.
Meeting our own needs is not a luxury. It is essential.
A chronically empty cup directly affects well-being. It can cause:
Burnout
Overwhelm
Rage
Chronic stress
Perinatal mood and anxiety disorders
It can also make it difficult to respond to our children in a calm and compassionate way.
It is so easy to put yourself last as you learn to manage extra responsibilities and new challenges. But we have to take care of ourselves, too. This is truly what is best for those we are caring for.
I want you to thrive, not just survive.
Before having kids, I was an airline pilot. Every flight, the flight attendant would go through the passenger safety briefing and remind everyone to “put on your own mask first before assisting others”. You are much more effective in helping those around you if you’re already wearing that oxygen mask.
Postpartum is a major shift in how your time is divided, and it leaves less time for self-care. Part of your postpartum prep and planning is to figure out how to actually make it happen once your baby arrives.
In the diagram above, self-care is in the middle, surrounded by the ways we can make sure it is prioritized: support, strategies, and a safety net. Here’s a bit more about each:
SELF-CARE: Making a conscious effort to care for yourself benefits you and those you care for.
SUPPORT: Adequate time for self-care can be more attainable with a support system in place.
STRATEGIES: There are strategies for managing the household and mental load that often demands so much of our time.
SAFETY NET: Having a safety net in place is crucial if nothing seems to help and you are struggling to cope.
Self-Care
I kind of hate to even use this word, because it’s not always used in ways that are helpful or realistic. However, making sure we are caring for ourselves is foundational, especially as we work through the often turbulent transformation that is becoming a parent.
What self-care looks like for each of us is personal. In general, though, I like to think of self-care as consisting of two major parts:
Caring for ourselves in ways that aren’t always fun but are essential in reducing chaos and dysfunction in our lives (i.e. exercising, attending routine medical appointments, brushing our teeth, staying within a budget, eating nutrient-dense foods, meditating, setting boundaries)
Ensuring we are able to do the things in life that are enjoyable, fulfilling, and restorative (i.e. time alone, time with friends, hobbies, celebrations, vacations, time in nature)
It can be helpful to sit down and identify what your needs actually are. Which ones are non-negotiable and need to happen even on the busiest of days? Which ones can be set aside for short periods of time or be met less frequently?
If you have a partner, consider discussing this together. Talk about what both of your needs are and which ones are the most essential.
Support
Adequate time for self-care in the postpartum period can feel more attainable with a support system in place. What this support will look like depends on a variety of factors, like:
Do you have older children?
Will you need childcare services?
Will you be a single or solo parent?
Do you have a supportive partner?
Do you have supportive friends and family nearby?
Will you be returning to work and when?
What additional responsibilities or obligations do you have?
If you have a partner, it’s critical to have conversations in advance on ensuring household equity and what kind of support you’re looking for from them as you recover and adjust. Consider sharing this blog post with them or use it to guide some of these discussions:
🧭 Savvy and Supportive: Twelve Tips for Partners
I want you to prioritize support over stuff when it comes to postpartum planning. Many of us focus on acquiring all of the baby gear, which can be expensive and unnecessary. Instead, consider allocating some of that budget for support you might need that will be far more helpful than a room full of things. You can even register for supportive services if you’re having a baby shower. Check out this blog post for ideas:
🧭 Alternative Baby Registry Ideas
Support services (like postpartum doula care and lactation services) can be so valuable for everyone, but are especially helpful if you find yourself struggling or are lacking in support from other sources.
Strategies
Managing a household can consume a great deal of our time. Sometimes we have to let things go, but mess and clutter can add additional stress for some people. Developing strategies to ease the household load and increase efficiency can allow us to focus more time on our families and ourselves. This can be especially helpful when support is low or lacking.
Here are some example strategies to consider putting in place during pregnancy:
Decluttering to make cleaning and organizing easier and more efficient
Minimizing baby clothing and supplies to keep things more manageable and less overwhelming
Developing a system for keeping your house clean and maintained
Having a system in place for organizing documents and ensuring they are easy to access
Coming up with a budget and sticking to it
Find a platform for organizing and storing digital photos before it becomes overwhelming
Developing a meal planning system that makes grocery shopping and cooking more manageable (and ensures you are eating nourishing meals)
Ordering groceries online or having them delivered
If it’s in your budget, consider a meal delivery service
Create a shared family calendar
These ideas are not meant for you to tackle alone, if you have a partner. Ideally, these should be discussed and developed together (or in an equitable manner). You both want to be familiar with the strategies and systems you have in place, so that they actually get used!
Safety Net
Having a safety net in place is crucial if nothing seems to help and you’re struggling to cope.
Sometimes the safety net is there to get us through a difficult moment or day. This can look like having a plan in place when you’re feeling overstimulated or overwhelmed. For example, it’s ok to put down a fussy or screaming baby in a crib and take a shower or some deep breaths to help regulate your nervous system. It can look like having a close friend or family member to call when you need some additional support or help. Having your partner take over so you can get a much-needed break is another option.
Perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMADS) affect many pregnant and postpartum people. Educating yourself on and making sure your partner (or other close person in your life) is aware the warning signs is key. Knowing where to get help before you need is also really helpful. Part of postpartum planning can be to make a list of support groups or mental health professionals that you could contact if you need help.
Here is a great starting point:
🔗 Postpartum Support International
Final Thoughts
Self-care is going to be critical as you navigate new roles and responsibilities. Make sure to take time during pregnancy to explore ways you can ensure your needs will actually be met. Your focus will naturally shift to your new baby in the postpartum period. But, your needs matter, too. You matter.
Fill your cup and put on your own mask first.
Planning to prioritize your well-being postpartum is one of the items on my To-Do Lists by Trimester spreadsheet. You can find this and more in my toolkit, called Proactive Pregnancy: Early Essentials for Expectant Parents. Besides the spreadsheet, it contains other actionable tools, educational content, and a supportive community space for asking questions! Click the button below to check out the toolkit!